🏈 Football And 🎃 Pumpkins. LFG! 🤘🏼🔥

What’s up?! How are you doing today? It’s Brandon here. Your neighborhood comedy fanatic. I am so pumped right now. 

It’s not because we just got sponsored by BlueChew and I’ve eaten forty five of their chewables. I wish. 

The reason I’m so juiced is for the kickoff to something epic. That is this. 

The brand spanking new comedy only newsletter, The Funnies. 

You aren’t going to learn anything from this. Hell, the complete opposite. Sophisticated academics will read the newsletter and ask for a refund for their time. 

Sorry Winston Thurgood III, all sales are final. 

This is The Funnies.

Where you will only get the funniest shit on the internet. You are going to get the best of the best. 

We’re talking funny cartoons from famous cartoonists, satirical articles from the wildest comedians the west has ever seen. You’ll even get some insider information in the untamed world of comedy. 

What you are going to get is nothing but pure funny. Every time we email you, you’ll get 10 minutes of straight laughter. 

Forget all the bullshit. Let’s laugh, babay!

Since you are receiving this, it's because you already enjoy our funny shit. And since you do, we'd love to get your feedback. This is only going out to a select few.If you have 9 minutes, please read this and respond to the email with your thoughts. It doesn't have to be long. A simple, "This rules!" or "Man, this is hot garbage." Will do.

Without further ado, here is the first edition of The Funnies. In this edition, we are talking football and pumpkins! That’s what fall is all about. 

Let’s fucking gooooooo!

Enjoy!

P.S. - If you love this or even laugh just once, please share this with anyone who needs a laugh. A laugh will change the world. Can I get a cracker with that cheese?

Love,Brandon and the BLC Team

3 Prayers to Give the Great Pumpkin Before You Fall Asleep Tonight

Written by: Casey Rocket

In his house at R'lyeh, The Dead Pumpkin waits dreaming.

Ever since the earliest hominids learned to speak, mankind has laid their burdens at the ethereal alter of The Great Pumpkin. Here are three prayer ideas that are sure to spare the lives of your loved ones upon his return on October 31st. 

1. Hey tough guy, do you shit with that big ole thang? 

Nice. So, this prayer could go one of two ways. Since you called him “tough guy” his first instinct will be to digest you through his vines very slowly over the course of several weeks. But, since you talk about how plump that thang is, you just might get some wet-wet outta this after all – you rowdy dog.

2. You probably don’t know me, and I never really do this sort of thing, but would you want to go watch a movie sometime? 

Very cool. Playing coy with The Hallowed Prince is always a good way to get his attention. Bad news though, pumpkins can neither see nor hear (in a traditional sense) so he will probably take great offense to this request.

Plus, he hates supporting small businesses. Good news is, this is going to make him so damn pissed he is almost certainly gunna steal you while you sleep. If you set up your motion cameras, you can probably catch a glimpse of him before he cocoons you.

Then your loved ones can sell the pictures to TMZ after you’re gone and dedicate a bench to you in a park! Cha-ching! 

3. Take me if you must, but please, please let Adnan Syed go free if he is retried by the Baltimore Circuit Courts 

Progressive. So, all current information points to The Great Pumpkin also supporting the exoneration of wrongly incarcerated prisoner Adnan Syed.

He believes Syed was railroaded by an inept police department desperate to quickly identify a scapegoat, no matter what the generational trauma associated with that decision would be.

The good news is Adnan walked free on September 19th after more than twenty years behind bars. The bad news is the courts are deciding whether to try him again for the 1999 murder of his ex-girlfriend Hae Min Lee.

The second piece of bad news is, after pulling some political strings, The Great Pumpkin is going to need a favor from you – your skeleton. Sweet dreams!

People Be Wild At Comedy Shows

People do some wild shit at comedy shows. I've seen drunk people try to get on stage. I've seen people try to give Joe Rogan a book while he is performing. We all saw Will Smith and Chris Rock. But this one is of the biggest mind fucks I've ever heard of. See what happened to old Donnie over here.

Our take:I honestly didn't see that coming. Still, fuck that guy. That was a deep troll move. Karma is coming for you, sir. Watch your back.Go support and show some love for Donnie Sengstack  by following him on Twitter. If you aren't on Twitter get off this fucking newsletter. Right now!Just kidding. Don't leave us. We love you.  

NFL Season is Back, Babay

Whether you love it or hate it, football is back. The next 16 weeks of our lives are going to be filled with either excitement, heartache or enough beer and wings to fill that whole in your heart. No matter how you feel about the season, you can stay highly entertained while talking sports with the boys over at the 3rd And Inches podcast. You get to hang out with three midly funny comedians who were medicore at sports before turning to a life of getting laughed at, not laughed with. Shhhhh! Don't tell them that.

Colin O'Meara, Brandon Legendre, and Dylan Mendoca bring the heat every Thursday. Talking shit. Drinking beers. Sharing ridiculously true sports stories. It's the most entertaining sports comedy podcast in the world. Listen to it everywhere podcasts can be listened to. Subscribe, Like and Comment on their YouTube channel today.

Predictions For the 2054 NFL Season

Every prognosticator with a microphone or blog is parading out their picks for the upcoming 2022 NFL season. 

Child’s play.

Here are my predictions for the 2054 NFL season:

The Green Bay Heat Wave should repeat again in the division that has the highest ratio of humans to robots, if they don’t lose too many players again to space travel or erotic asphyxiation.

Get the predictions for the full 2054 NFL Season at our blog here.

F YouTube Kids

Written by: Robert Dean

I’m just gonna say it: I hate YouTube Kids. The scale of my disdain for videos featuring 20-something dudes screaming while playing Minecraft makes me want to dive out of a moving semi-truck straight out of a scene from Terminator Two. 

I’m not tucking and rolling, just let me die.

If you’re without children, you’re likely wondering what I’m talking about; who doesn’t love YouTube?! It’s got awesome content that can teach you how to rewire a 2001 Ford Taurus, insights into Jimi Hendrix, or how to make lobster mac and cheese.

Regular, everyday missionary YouTube is fine. Who doesn’t like watching Sopranos clips on the toilet? From what Google tells me, over 30K hours of footage are uploaded to the platform hourly.

It’s probably more, considering everyone feels a need to document every trivial moment of their lives for the world to see, not settling for just - remembering things. 

What I don’t truck with is YouTube Kids. I’ve got two boys, and you’d think they were mainlining straight Kurt Cobain-grade heroin because trying to get them to watch anything else is next to impossible.

There’s this guy Blippi who wears a dumb hat and orange glasses and squeaks at the camera while acting like a six-year-old, but my beef isn’t with him.

Blippi invests money into his brand, making his videos better quality or cutting some new megadeal to get his toys sold in Target. The guy did psychological research on color schemes.

He studied what a small child could say and retain via syllables.

Even though I can’t stand listening to him chuckle while explaining how the tractor goes vroom, you can’t hate on the guy for piecing a multi-million-dollar ecosystem, all while rocking whack orange suspenders. 

Insider Updates

I've been thinking of how to do this segment the right way. Let me explain the point of this segment. There is a ton of developments (for a lack of a better term) in the comedy world. A lot of it happening right here in Austin, TX. I'd like to keep you updated on these developments. A little insider information. Insider trading. Insider baseball, as some might call it.

That's why I'm calling this Insider Updates. Let's goooo!

Insider Updates #1

🔥 Duncan Trussell is working on his new hour. And so far, it's fucking fire. Go see his new hour.

🔥William Montgomery has been working. Like for real. Dude has taken his stand up to another level. He lost the notebook and now is connecting way harder with the crowd.

The results are in, William is killing it. Especially now that he is more engaged with the audience. It just looks like he is having fun up there. Go see him live.

🔥 Deric Poston is going to be the next big comedic superstar. The kid has it all. Every set is always firing. He switches bits up and his sets to play to the audience.

     It's a lot of fun to watch. Deric is starting to tour clubs. Keep a look out for him in a city near you.

🔥 Jamie Kilstein moved back to Austin after a quick stint in Washington DC. And he is back with a vengeance. Murdering every stage he steps on. Go see him on stage, too.

🔥 The rise of the comedians. There is no hiding the fact that men outnumber women in comedy. But we've seen an influx of talent within the community of women comedians.

With the likes of comedians like Leonarda Jonie, Arielle Isaac Norman, Genivive Clinton, Ali Macofsky, KC Shornima and Maddy Smith. The future of the comedy world is bright.

That's a wrap

That's it for the first edition of The Funnies! Amazing, right?! We thought so. Thanks for stopping by. See you in a few days. In the meantime, enjoy your pumpkin adventures.

If you want more funny shit all the time, follow us on Twitter. (@biglaughcomedy)

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